


Salted Earth

by aceklaviergavin



Series: Akekita Week 2020 [7]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Comfort Food, Crack Treated Seriously, Firefighters, First Dates, First Meetings, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Romantic Comedy, Roommates, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27328810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aceklaviergavin/pseuds/aceklaviergavin
Summary: Goro lives with Ren in what is quite possibly, the shittiest apartment in existence. Goro accidentally sets off the fire alarm with his thrice burnt steak. When he comes back, his food has disappeared. In trying to solve the mystery, Goro nearly burns down every bridge and also an apartment building.orYusuke accidentally gaslights Akechi.
Relationships: Akechi Goro & Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro & Persona 5 Protagonist, Akechi Goro/Kitagawa Yusuke
Series: Akekita Week 2020 [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1994365
Comments: 18
Kudos: 53
Collections: Akekita Week





	Salted Earth

**Author's Note:**

> Akekita Week Day 7: Free Day
> 
> doug: akekita is good bc yusuke will eat the food akechi burns :)
> 
> doug: help my burnt steak set off the fire alarm
> 
> doug: THE FIRE DEPARTMENT STOLE MY STEAK
> 
> me: omg akekita 
> 
> this fic is (loosely) based on the real life events of my friend [kitaakes](https://twitter.com/kitaakes) he's fucking hilarious and carries the akekita tl on his back
> 
> vague p5r 3rd semester spoilers concerning kasumi
> 
> please make sure to show creator's style to make everything look nice and pretty

Ren would say it starts with fire. That’s far too overdramatic, in Goro’s opinion. It starts with _smoke,_ there’s a difference. Smoke is exactly what Ren finds when he bursts into the living room of their tiny, ramshackle apartment. Thick black clouds fill their modest kitchen, seeping into the cracks in the walls. The smoke detector heralds Ren’s arrival.

"Akechi-kun?" Ren coughs, searching for Goro’s nerdy brown loafers beneath the smoke.

"Yes…?" Goro calls dejectedly from the center of the chaos.

"What the hell did you _do?"_ Ren asks incredulously as smoke continues to rise.

Goro steps out of the cloud, giving Ren that familiar constipated scowl. "What does it look like?"

Goro says it like it’s meant to be a rhetorical question, but from where Ren is standing, it looks like Goro set fire to their kitchen. "You finally had enough and put your criminal procedure textbook in the oven?"

Ren catches Goro’s glare through the smoke. "I’m cooking, you asshole."

"Cooking what, a lump of coal?"

Ren dares to step forward, coughing as he waves the cinders from his face. He approaches the crime scene. On the stove, something black smolders.

"Oh my god, you ruined a perfectly good steak," Ren laments.

A charred lump of flesh lies helplessly in a sad puddle of grease. If Ren listens closely, he can hear a thousand mournful moos in the distance. It’s the ultimate tragedy, that an animal died only to be ruined by Akechi’s disgusting tastebuds.

"A cow gave their life for this." Ren gestures helplessly at the ruined meat.

"Are you going to stand there and mock me or are you going to do something useful?" Goro grabs a dishrag and starts waving it in the direction of the smoke detector.

Ren pauses to snap a picture of the blackened lump of flesh. "Definitely the first one."

Akechi growls in the back of his throat. "If we don’t shut off this damn smoke detector"—he’s interrupted by a familiar blare coming from the hall—"the fucking fire alarm will go off."

"Wow, three in one week." Ren pockets his phone and grabs the bookbag by the door. "Help me get Morgana."

clown car  
  
Ryuji  
ok wut was it  
Ryuji  
if it waz body spry then i hav bingo  
Futaba  
lololol did the fire alarm go off again  
Ryuji  
natch  
Sumire  
oh no! is everyone ok??  
Futaba  
you guys live in a shithole  
Haru  
it’s not so bad!  
Haru  
The community garden is lovely!  
Ann  
cn sum1 com gt th dor 4 me  
Ann  
I jst painted m nals n i don wnt 2 run thm  
Makoto  
That’s incredibly unsafe, Ann. You should take the fire alarm more seriously.  
Ann  
ts nt lk ts a RL fr!!! is prbs sum ass smkn n th starwl agn!!!  
Haru  
We pass your unit on the way down, Ill get you!  
Makoto  
You don’t know that. It could be an actual emergency.  
Ann  
thx!!! <333333  
Ren  
hockey_puck.jpg  
Futaba  
f  
Haru  
Oh my…  
Ryuji  
? th eff is that  
Ren  
akechi’s dinner  
Ren  
and also the source of the fire  
Ryuji  
dude…  
Ann  
@Makoto   
Makoto  
I don’t think it’s healthy to eat food that charred.  
Haru  
Ann-chan would like me to tell Akechi-kun that hes an asshole and shes going to spill nail polish on his nice jacket.  
Ryuji  
@Goro u no steak aint supost 2 b black rite  
Fuck off, I like the crunch.  
Futaba  
LSKDJFKSLDFJSDFJSDLK  
Ryuji  
C  
Haru  
Crunch?  
Ryuji  
CRUNCH???  
Ren  
akechi: if my steak doesnt taste like an old shoe go fuck yourself  
Makoto  
Steak isn’t supposed to crunch.  
I don’t remember asking for your worthless opinion.  
Futaba  
akechi: you fucking normies and your *looks at smudged writing on hand* edible food  
Ann  
gro idc if u wnt 2 eat stk tht looks lk n old pr of crcs bt cn u NOT brn dn our aprmnt???  
Why are you typing like that.  
Haru  
She just did her nails! Shes trying not to ruin them!  
Haru  
She says "goro I dont care if you want to eat steak that looks like an old pair of crocs but can you not burn down our apartment?"  
I see.  
I can’t hear you because my ears are still damaged from when someone set off the fire alarm during finals week.  
Futaba  
you cant hear anything this is a text chat  
Haru  
"Yeah and you made me buy a mango pudding green tea crepe to apologize weirdo"  
I can’t see, suddenly I can’t read.  
Haru  
For the record, I dont think you’re a weirdo for your taste in food Akechi-kun!  
Sumire  
akechi-senpai, you should really eat healthier food!!  
Haru  
I think youre a weirdo for other reasons. :)

Goro has… refined tastes as he would say. If you asked Ren, he would say Goro had his tastebuds surgically removed and replaced with a game of Spin the Wheel. The real answer is that poverty is a bitch. Sometimes charred bacon and pizza flavored instant noodles were the only foods a single mom could provide. They were at the mercy of the supermarket sales rack and a cheap microwave that barely worked. Akechi ate his cheeseburger Cheetos with gusto and his mother’s answering smile was enough to dampen any gag reflex.

Like Pavlov’s dogs, Goro hacked himself into enjoying curry lemonade and mayo chips. If he still has a taste for thrice-burnt stake and baked potato Kit-Kats, that’s between him and god. He likes making his mom happy, sue him.

That is to say, while Goro receives a verbal lashing from Ann outside, he’s still very much thinking about the smoldering remnants of steak he left upstairs. The fire department finally calls the all clear, and Goro makes the long trek to his apartment alongside Ren. When he opens the door, all he can think about is sinking his fangs into a cold, leathery piece of meat. He makes a beeline for the stove. In the bottom of the wok lies blackened grease and charred remains of fat, but not a strip of flesh to be found.

"Where the fuck is my steak?"

Ren looks up from where he’s trying to pry Morgana out of his bag. "What?"

"My steak," Goro seethes, "it’s gone."

Ren blinks, turning his bag inside out and shaking it. "I dunno man." Morgana thumps against the floor, then scurries under the couch. "Are you sure you didn’t eat it already?"

Goro brandishes the pan threateningly. "Don’t you think you would have noticed me _eating_ steak while we waited outside?"

Ren shrugs. "I was too distracted roasting you in the groupchat." Ren wrinkles his nose. "Is that my wok?"

A beat. "Maybe."

Ren rolls his eyes. "Ugh, be sure to scrape that disgusting black junk out of the bottom. I don’t want my stir fry to taste like cow’s asshole for the next week."

Ren heads to his room and closes the door. Halfway through washing stale grease off the pan Goro realizes he still doesn’t know what happened to his steak. He comforts himself with chocolate yakisoba. He’s annoyed, but one missing steak is hardly worth ruining his relationship with the only decent roommate he’s ever had.

Goro would like the record to show that the next time isn’t his fault. Goro has just set the pot to boil, a brick of Pringles ramen open on the countertop. He’s been saving it for a special occasion. He just submitted a term paper worth 20% of his grade and he thinks that qualifies.

Ren steps through the front door, sweaty and exhausted after a long day at work. The fire alarm immediately goes off.

Ren tilts his head back with a groan. "Why, God why?" he shouts into the air. "I just want to take a shower!"

Goro turns the stove off. "If the sprinklers turn on, you’ll get your wish."

Ren groans and grabs the Mona bag. "Where’s Morgana?"

"How the hell should I know?" He meets a pair of slitted blue eyes resting on top of the fridge. "If you would just pay the damn pet fee we wouldn’t have to do this every time."

Ren discovers Morgana’s perch and begins crawling on top of the counter. "Morgana isn’t a pet."

homo owner’s association  
  
Define "pet"  
Futaba  
No.  
Ryuji  
oh no im not falln 4 this agn  
Makoto?  
Makoto  
I respectfully abstain from answering.  
Ren  
morgana is NOT a pet  
I see you’ve finally crawled down from the fridge.  
Haru  
Why were you on top of the fridge?  
Makoto  
That’s extremely dangerous. If it fell over it could crush you.  
If only I could be so lucky.  
Ren  
its this fun game we play whenever theres a fire alarm  
Ren  
morgana hides then i find him and shove him in a bag to hide from the authorities :)  
Futaba  
…  
Haru  
Fun?  
Sumire  
I’m not sure I understand the rules?  
Makoto  
I’m not going to comment.  
Watching Morgana scratch the ever-loving shit out of Amamiya-kun as he’s crammed into a bag IS rather entertaining.  
Makoto  
You really should just pay the pet fee…  
Ren  
what are you a fucking cop?  
Futaba  
the only cop in here is sketchy akechi  
I’m not a cop.  
Ryuji  
hmmm sonds lik somthn a cop wld say  
Ren  
you have to tell us if you’re a cop or its entrapment  
That’s false, cops are allowed to lie.  
Futaba  
and how would you know that if you weren’t a cop??  
Ryuji  
OOOHHHHH BUSTED  
Makoto  
I hope you all are headed outside given that there’s a fire alarm?  
Sumire  
again?  
Ryuji  
yes mom  
Futaba  
did copkechi set it off with his nasty steak again  
No, it wasn’t me this time.  
Ryuji  
:\  
Futaba  
hmmmmm  
Futaba  
@Ren   
Ren  
idk i just walked in the door  
You could clearly see there was no smoke in our apartment.  
Ren  
no i was too busy on top of the fridge with morgana  
…  
Futaba  
suspicious

Goro glances up, intending to knock Ren’s phone out of his hand for being a piece of shit. But just before he makes his move, he catches a familiar head of blonde hair in the corner of his eye. Takamaki Ann fidgets nervously amidst the crowd dressed in nothing but a towel.

"Ann?" Goro calls incredulously.

Ann whirls around on her heel, eyes wild as she searches for a familiar face. "Oh thank god," she gasps and cuts a straight path to Goro and Ren.

Ren looks up from his phone, noticing their friend as she crowds into their space. Now that she’s closer, Goro can see that she’s sopping wet. Her long hair falls down her back in waves, dripping on the ground. It’s not a warm night, and she shivers as she uses Goro’s body as a shield.

"What are you wearing?" Ren asks, already shrugging off his jacket. Morgana yowls inside his bag.

Goro rolls his eyes. "It’s the new fall fashion from Milan, haven’t you heard?"

"It’s not like I _planned_ this!" Ann yells. "I was just taking a shower!"

"Yeah, yeah." Ren drapes his jacket over her shoulders. "It’s happened to all of us."

"This is so embarrassing!" Ann wails, quickly zipping the jacket closed.

"Everyone in this godforsaken complex has had to stand outside naked during a fire alarm," Goro says.

"Yeah, remember when Goro forgot to put a shirt on last winter?"

"I didn’t _forget,_ you dragged me out before I could put one on."

"Hm, I don’t remember that."

"It’s not _that!"_ Ann hides her face in her hands. "My shower… set off the alarm," she murmurs.

Goro shoots her an unimpressed look. "How the hell did you manage that?"

"You can’t judge me mister rubber steak!" Ann jabs her finger at him accusingly.

"At least a steak will actually _burn."_

Ren peers at her curiously. "Did you light an entire store’s worth of Yankee Candles?"

"No!" Ann cries. "It was just really steamy!"

Goro rolls his eyes. "If our apartment wasn’t such a hellhole, I’d call bullshit." Unfortunately, a steamy shower setting off the fire alarm wasn’t the most ridiculous thing he’d heard.

Ren crosses his arms over his chest. "Next someone is going to _breathe_ on their smoke detector and we’ll all need to evacuate."

"Don’t even think about it," Goro warned.

homo owner’s association  
  
Ren  
everyone  
Ren  
ann set off the alarm  
Ryuji  
@Ann BOOOOO!!  
Makoto  
Don’t be rude, Ryuji. We’ve all set off the alarm at one point or another.  
Futaba  
yeah dont be rude ryuji  
Haru  
What happened?  
She was taking a shower.  
Ryuji  
and?  
Ren  
thats it. she was taking a shower.  
Ryuji  
the eff knda shwer was sh takin???  
Ren  
a very steamy one apparently  
Feel free to mock her as much as you want. She doesn’t have her phone and can’t defend herself.  
Makoto  
Akechi-kun, that’s rude.  
Futaba  
you say that like that’s ever stopped him before.  
Sumire  
the alarm went off again?  
Ryuji  
ye  
Futaba  
it’s kind of a thing  
Haru  
Oh! Bingo!  
Ryuji  
FOR REAL??????  
Ryuji  
but iv nvr been ths close!!!!!  
Makoto  
Do you have your card?  
Haru  
Of course!  
Haru  
fire_alarm_bingo3.jpg  
Haru  
Caused by burnt cooking, goes off during finals week, goes off during an online quiz, caused by a shower, and you know the person responsible for the alarm  
Haru  
^_^  
Ren  
thats bngo alright  
Sumire  
congratulations, haru!  
Ryuji  
dam i rly wantd 2 win…  
Haru  
Its okay Ryuji-kun! Im sure youll win next time!  
Makoto  
Congratulations, Haru. As always you’ll get to pick the film at our next movie night. I’ll make new cards and distribute them to everyone by the end of the week.

When they finally get back into their apartment, Ren is eager to hop into the shower. "This is going to be the best shower of my entire fucking life." Morgana yowls as Ren dumps the bag on the couch and runs into the bathroom.

Goro rolls his eyes and turns the stove on. His stomach groans in protest at having had to wait an extra thirty minutes. Thankfully, as far as meals go, ramen is as easy as it gets. He watches eagerly for the water to boil. When it finally does, he grabs the brick of Pringles ramen, ready to dump it in.

But something feels… _off._

Goro looks at the brick in his hand. Instead of the perfect, rectangular brick of ramen Goro expects, a telltale half circle is missing from one of the corners. A perfect half-moon is cut into his noodles, like the beginnings of a solar eclipse. Like Eve biting into the apple, someone has taken a fucking bite of his ramen.

Goro sees red.

Before he even registers what’s happening, he storms across the apartment. He barely avoids Morgana as the furball winds around his feet. He bursts through the bathroom door, steam clouding his vision. A terrified squawk sounds from behind the shower curtain. Goro rips it back like a festering band-aid.

_"Dude,_ what the fuck!" Ren shouts, grabbing the edge of the shower curtain in a vain attempt to salvage his dignity.

Goro holds it out of his reach, because Ren never had any dignity in the first place. "This isn’t fucking funny, Amamiya!" He holds the ramen brick like a weapon.

"I don’t know what you’re talking about!"

Goro narrows his eyes. He doesn’t believe Ren for a second. "It wasn’t funny with the steak and it’s not funny now!"

"The steak?" Ren blinks at him, water continuing to strike the side of his face. "Why would I touch your nasty ass steak?"

"You tell me!" Goro jabs the ramen under Ren’s chin like the point of a sword.

Ren leans back and eyes it dubiously. "Dude did you take a _bite_ out of that ramen?"

Goro would chuck the ramen brick at Ren’s head, except he still intends to eat what’s left of it. Instead he just screams. "You are impossible!"

The sound of the smoke detector cuts off any further argument.

Ren gestures into the hall. "Now look what you’ve done!"

While they wait for the fire department, _again,_ Goro takes a bite of his sour cream and onion ramen. It’s not half bad. He likes the crunch.

homo owner’s association  
  
Ryuji  
DUDE  
Ren  
blame akechi  
Futaba  
what did he do now  
Ren  
set off the fire alarm  
Futaba  
???  
Futaba  
didn’t it just finish  
Ren  
haha  
Ren  
yeah :’)  
Ann  
Im going to kill him!!!!  
Take it up with Amamiya.  
Futaba  
uh oh he called you amamiya you’re in trouble now son  
Haru  
Oh no, what happened?  
Ren  
nothing!!!!  
Futaba  
lmao…  
Ann  
what did you do???  
Ren  
I DIDNT DO ANYTHING  
Amamiya keeps stealing my fucking food.  
Futaba  
…  
Ryuji  
dude.  
Ann  
honey  
Haru  
That doesnt sound like ren-kun…  
Ren  
i’m not!!!  
Then why does my food keep going missing?  
Ann  
goro…  
Ren  
IDK  
You’re the only one that lives here.  
Ann  
Im sure theres another explanation.  
I don’t need to be a detective to put the pieces together.  
Ren  
idk what to tell you man  
Futaba  
what ann means to say is your food is nasty  
Ann  
FUTABA  
Futaba  
what everyone was thinking it  
Haru  
Even still, clearly Akechi-kun is very stressed.  
I’m not stressed, I’m pissed off.  
Ren  
maybe its morgana??  
Ryuji  
dude…  
Futaba  
ren has anyone ever taught you to stop talking  
Oh that’s rich, you’re going to blame the fucking cat?  
The cat took a bite of my uncooked ramen?  
Ryuji  
u 8 a ramn brik???  
Futaba  
tbh that sounds more like something akechi would do  
Ren  
IT WASN’T ME  
THEN WHO WAS IT.  
Ann  
omg  
Futaba  
capskechi  
Ren  
IDK BUT WHY WOULD I EAT YOUR NASTY RAMEN  
Sumire  
akechi-senpai are you getting enough sleep??  
I am getting plenty of sleep.  
Sumire  
I’m just worried about your health!  
Makoto  
I haven’t even had a chance to make new bingo cards.

Goro would be the first to admit his health isn’t the best. There’s little point in lying when most mornings his roommate walks into the living room to find him four hours deep into a Featherman marathon with his criminology homework spread around him in a summoning circle. He sleeps three hours a night and his diet is barely one step up from literal garbage. He’s fairly certain he’s only surviving on spite and Ren’s constant supply of caffeine.

But he is _not_ hallucinating or having memory lapses or whatever the fuck Ren’s excuse of the day is. Every time there’s a fire alarm his food mysteriously disappears. It would be less of a problem if they didn’t live in a hellhole where the fire alarms are more sensitive that Goro’s trigger finger. No matter how close an eye he keeps on Ren, Goro still comes back to an empty plate. He’ll find a conspicuous bite missing from his sweet plum chicken, an empty bag of candied crabs, and half a squid ink burger.

After everything, Goro still isn’t any closer to apprehending the criminal. He even tries spiking his green tea ramen with cheese, knowing that Ren is lactose intolerant. When he comes back from the all-clear to finish his noodles, he quickly remembers that he’s _also_ lactose intolerant.

Ren stands outside the bathroom as Goro groans in pain. "So, do you believe me now?"

Goro’s guts churn in protest, lamenting his own hubris. "Stop being smug," he bites.

Ren sprays ocean mist Febreze at the door. "I’m not smug, I’m being punished just as must as you."

"Why don’t you come in here and say that to my face, asshole?"

"Why do you even _have_ cheese?" Ren eyes the bag of shredded cheese on the table like a weapon.

Goro isn’t about to tell his roommate that sometimes he eats shredded cheese straight out of the bag just to feel something. "Fuck off."

Afterwards, Goro is forced to confront reality. All evidence points to one conclusion. Ren is _not_ the food thief. Which leaves only one possibility.

plato’s rave  
  
One of you fess up.  
Ren  
for the last time no ones stealing your disgusting food  
I have eliminated Ren as a suspect which can only mean it’s someone in this chat.  
Futaba  
hey i live with sojiro don’t include me in this.  
Excluding Sakura-san and Yoshizawa-san as they lack the opportunity.  
Makoto  
What evidence do you have?  
My food always goes missing during fire alarms, meaning it must be someone in our building. At first I suspected Ren was taking advantage of the chaos. However, now that Ren has been excluded, it must be someone else with access to our apartment. I know that Ren has given all of you spare keys against my advice. This makes the current list of suspects Ann, Ryuji, Makoto, and Haru.  
Ryuji  
it wast me  
Ann  
so let me get this straight  
Ann  
you think one of us is waiting for you to leave during a fire alarm, sneaking in, eating your gross food, then leaving like nothing happened?  
Haru  
That seems like an awful lot of work…  
I don’t "think," I know.  
Ren  
he literally has a conspiracy theory board in his room  
It’s possible that Ren is acting as an accomplice.  
Ren  
WTF  
Ren  
i thought you eliminated me!!  
As the food thief, yes. But it’s entirely possible that you’re assisting the real culprit without getting your hands dirty.  
Makoto  
While the evidence is compelling, you’ve failed to establish any sort of motive.  
There’s plenty of possible reasons, though I can’t claim to understand the minds of criminals.  
Ren  
rude  
Haru  
Im sure theres another explanation, Akechi-kun.  
I’ve always been an outsider in your little "group." You make fun of the food I eat and make a big production of how disgusting it is. Maybe this is simply your way of mocking me for my preferences. "Haha look at Akechi getting so upset over his shitty food." I’m sure it’s incredibly funny to watch you all lead me around in circles over 100 yen ramen.  
Ann  
goro…  
Ryuji  
dde its nt lik tht  
Haru  
Akechi-kun I didn’t know you felt that way.  
Ann  
Ill stop making jokes!! I didnt realize they upset you so much!!!  
Futaba  
is akechi ok  
Ren  
Nobody thinks of you like that. You’re one of us.  
Makoto  
None of us see you that way. I’m deeply sorry if the jokes have gone too far, but I promise none of us are stealing your food.  
Ryuji  
ye! no1 wnts ur food!  
Ann  
RYUJI!!  
Futaba  
motion to kick ryuji from the chat  
I don’t care about the jokes, I just want you to stop stealing my fucking food.  
Haru  
Maybe its a ghost?  
If the culprit takes responsibility now, I’ll ask the police for leniency on your behalf.  
Ryuji  
duded ur fgetn th cops?  
This is war.

When half of his kiwi-dragonfruit pancake goes missing, Goro decides enough is enough. He points the pet camera Ren never uses directly at the stove. A charred lump of steak rests on a plate, calling like the pied piper. All that’s left is to start a fire.

Goro holds the lighter in his right hand like the muzzle of a rifle, a spray can of cooking oil in his left. He aims at the smoke detector with a marksman’s eye, hand steady. He takes a deep breath in and fires.

A spout of flame consumes the ceiling like fire shot from a dragon’s maw. Heat curls around Goro’s skin, the hair on his arms standing on end. But when the flame dies, the apartment remains silent. Goro fires again.

"What the _fuck"_ Ren yells from his bedroom, "are you doing?"

"This is a police investigation, Amamiya, don’t interfere!" Goro shouts over the hiss of fire.

"You’re burning down our apartment!" Ren cuts across the apartment, instinct pushing him closer to danger.

"I’m conducting a stakeout, I don’t expect you to understand." Goro shoots another burst of flame at the ceiling.

"You’re going to get us evicted!"

"Good! This place is a shithole!" The plastic casing on the smoke detector begins to melt.

"When you’re flat broke, a shithole is what you get!"

Goro shakes the cooking spray with a growl. "Why the _fuck_ isn’t this thing going off!"

Ren chances a step closer, hands up. "Goro, put the flamethrower down."

Goro aims the can at Ren. "Not another step, Amamiya!"

"Don’t point that thing at me!"

_"I’m_ the one with the flamethrower, I’ll point it where I damn well please!"

Once he’s within arms’ length, Ren makes a vain grab for the lighter. Both hands clasp around the lighter, trying to wrench it out of Goro’s grip.

"Give me the lighter!" Ren yells, prying Goro’s fingers off one by one.

Akechi pulls his hand back, only for Ren to yank it forward again. "Get your filthy hands off me!"

"Stop leaving burn marks on our ceiling!" Ren scratches at Goro’s hand.

"We weren’t getting the security deposit back, anyway!"

Ren successfully manages to rip the lighter from Akechi’s grasp. Ren clutches it to his chest, out of Akechi’s reach. Akechi sprays him with cooking oil.

"Ah! I’m not a fucking cat!" Ren shouts, glasses dripping.

Akechi sprays oil in his open mouth. _"Gah!"_ Ren spits. "Thath dithguthting!"

Drops of oil hang in the air, like moisture on a humid day. The bitter smell of charred plastic hits Goro’s nose. Finally, _finally,_ the smoke detector goes off.

"There!" Ren gestures with the lighter. "Are you fucking happy?"

Goro sprays him again.

"I’m going to piss on everything you love."

The fire alarm blares in the hallway. "Just get your damn cat."

hegel kinnies unite  
  
Ren  
HELP  
Ren  
SOS  
Futaba  
ren is using caps that means it’s serious  
Ren  
I AM BEING HELD HOSTAGE  
Ann  
does this have anything to do with the fire alarm  
Ren  
akechi made a flamethrower and melted our smoke detector  
Ann  
uh…  
Makoto  
Is that code for something?  
Haru  
Oh my…  
Makoto  
Did he start a grease fire while cooking?  
Ren  
no he made a discount flamethrower with a spray can and a lighter then tried to burn our apartment down  
Makoto  
…  
Futaba  
dlskfjslfhdfsdkjfksl  
Ann  
W  
Futaba  
LKDJFSLDJFDSKLJFSL  
Ann  
WHAT  
Ryuji  
@ th cps reedn tjis i had nuthn 2 do w ne of ths  
Sumire  
are you and akechi-senpai okay?  
Haru  
I dont think theres a bingo square for that...

Goro watches the pet camera feed through his phone like a hawk. He refuses to even blink, lest he miss the crucial moment that his steak goes missing. Ren stands beside him, skin glistening under the streetlights.

Goro hears Ryuji’s heavy footsteps, but doesn’t dare lift his eyes. "Dude what the eff?" he yells. "I can’t believe you made a flamethrower!"

_"Shhh!"_ Ren hisses, grabbing Ryuji’s arm. "Not so loud!"

Ryuji givesRen an apologetic glance, then furrows his brow. "Why are you glowing?"

Ren sighs heavily out his nose. "It’s a long story."

"There you are!" Ann yells, elbowing her way through the crowd of irate college students. "What the hell happened?"

"Akechi saw a slippery slope and grabbed a sled," Ren deadpans.

Ann opens her mouth to respond, but pauses to sniff the air. "Why do you smell like Big Bang Burger?"

"It’s a long story," Ryuji answers.

"Is your stuff okay?" Ann asks.

"Besides our scorched ceiling and the return of my childhood acne?" Ren gestures at his grease covered face. "Just peachy."

"Goro!" Ann scolds. "What were you thinking?"

"My sole interest is uncovering the truth," he says, monotone.

"Is he okay?" Ryuji asks.

"Has he ever been okay?" Ren shoots back.

"Mako-chan, I think you should take some deep breaths," Haru says sweetly, clinging to Makoto’s arm.

Makoto ignores Haru’s entreaties, her heels clicking forcefully against the pavement. The crowd parts around her as she storms in their direction. Her vibrant red eyes bore into Goro’s skin. She manages to look put together even in the middle of an alarm.

"It is absolutely beyond me why you would do something so reckless, irresponsible, and childish," she hisses under her breath. Despite her volume, her words cow her friends to silence. "I understand you’re stressed, we _all_ are. But that’s no excuse to endanger the lives of yourself and others."

Goro’s eyes never leave his phone.

"I don’t think he’s listening," Ryuji says.

"It’s okay, Mako-chan." Haru pets Makoto’s arm. "I think you made some excellent points."

"What even happened?" Ann asks, turning to Ren.

Ren sighs. "He’s trying to bait the food thief."

"Seriously?" Ann asks.

Ryuji wonders aloud "Can’t he let anything go?"

Ren shrugs, palms open to the sky. "Apparently not."

Makoto huffs angrily. "This is _not_ the way to conduct a proper investigation."

"I think Akechi’s way beyond ‘proper’ at this point," Ren says.

Haru looks at Ren and tilts her head inquisitively. "Ren-kun, why are you covered in oil?"

"It’s a long story," Ryuji and Ann say in unison.

"Everyone shut up!" Goro snaps.

"What?"

"Is something happening?"

Everyone crowds around Goro’s shoulders, staring at the grainy image on screen. The camera sees a clear view of the stove, angled to show the apartment’s front door in the background. The door cracks open, the creak drowned out by the still blaring alarm. On the stove, Goro’s charred, blackened hunk of meat still lies in wait.

"Dude, what did you do to that steak?" Ryuji asks.

"Don’t ask stupid questions," Goro snaps.

The door opens wider, revealing someone tall, clothed in a baggy yellow jumpsuit. They trudge into the middle of the apartment with heavy steps. The small crowd groans in disappointment.

"It’s just a firefighter," Ann laments.

"Shut up!" Goro orders, eyes locked on the screen.

He’s going to see this through to the end no matter what.

The figure passes through the kitchen and out of frame. A few moments pass where the only thing on screen is the empty kitchen, backed by the forlorn bleat of the alarm. Presumably, the firefighter is checking for occupants. It’s a quick search, routine. The stranger reenters the frame on their way to the front door. Goro’s shoulders slump as he begins to realize that he did all this for nothing. Somehow, he must have shown his hand.

Then, at the stove, the figure stops.

Ann gasps, "No way."

Goro watches in a daze, the sounds of his friends’ disbelief fading into the background. The firefighter removes their helmet, revealing the face of a young man. He has a sharp angled chin, high cheekbones, and blue-black hair falling over one brow. He picks up the charred steak in one bulky, yellow glove.

"Oh my goodness," Haru breathes

Makoto covers her mouth in shock.

As slow as the sunrise over the ocean, the stranger lifts the steak to his lips and bites down.

"What the fuck," Ren hisses.

The crunch is audible as he chews. Goro rewinds the feed and watches the scene play out. The man takes off his helmet then bites into Goro’s steak. He rewinds it again, and when time marches forward nothing changes.

When shock fades, it turns to anger. "I _told_ you!" Goro shouts, whirling on his friends.

They all stare at him with wide eyes and open mouths, shocked into silence.

"I _told_ you and no one believed me!" He points accusingly at them all.

Ann slips the phone from his hand, numbly rewinding the video again and again.

Makoto manages to compose herself first. "Akechi-kun, we can’t apologize enough for doubting you," she says slowly. "We should have taken your concerns more seriously."

"You should have!" Goro says indignantly.

"We were just worried about you," Haru says softly. "We wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Then I hope you’re happy to learn I am and have always been perfectly fine," Goro says smugly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Ryuji coughs into his fist. "You _did_ start a fire, man. I dunno if I’d call that fine."

"I was making a point."

"And I assure you, there are far better ways to do that than endangering yourself and others," Makoto scolds gently. "What would you have done if something went wrong?"

"Nothing did because I don’t make mistakes."

"Not for nothing," Ren speaks up, twirling a greasy strand of hair around his finger, "but you didn’t suspect a firefighter either."

"You _did_ accuse Ren, and then all of us," Ryuji points out.

Goro blinks at him owlishly. "I don’t see how that’s relevant."

"Maybe the lesson to take away from this is we should all trust each other more," Haru pipes up.

Ren smiles to himself. "I think that’s a great way to look at it, Haru." He meets Goro’s eye through oil-stained lenses. "What do you say?"

Goro lets out a long breath through his nose. "I suppose I’ll try to put a little more faith in all of you."

"That’s practically a blood oath coming from you," Ryuji teases.

"And no more fires?" Makoto says.

Goro pauses. "I will consult the group before starting any fires."

Ren turns to Makoto. "I think that’s as good as we’ll get."

Makoto sighs. "Very well."

"Oh my _god,"_ Ann gasps. "I know this guy!"

Goro whirls around to face her. _"What?"_

Ann gestures wildly at the screen, still playing the shot of a stranger stealing Goro’s food. "He’s an artist! He’s done set pieces at some of the shoots I’ve been in!"

Goro takes his phone, staring numbly as his food is devoured over and over. "An _artist?"_ he says incredulously.

"Oh," Haru hums, nodding her head, "that explains it."

"He mentioned firefighting to pay the bills, I had no idea he serviced _our_ building."

Distantly, Goro hears the fire alarm fade into the sounds of the city.

"What’s wrong with him?" Ryuji asks.

The crowd begins to move around them, making their way back inside.

"I don’t know him _that_ well," Ann says. "He’s just kinda weird? He _does_ always take extras from the refreshment table though…"

Makoto pulls out her phone. "What’s his name?" Her fingers are already poised to search up their mysterious food thief.

"Kitagawa Yusuke, he’s pretty well known in art circles."

Goro is already storming across the yard.

"Now look what you’ve done!" Ren groans, then hurries after him.

The crowd parts around Goro like a stage curtain. Annoyed students throw him wary glances, but know better than to get in his way. They recognize a man on a mission.

They’re not so kind to Ren. "Don’t you think you’ve committed enough crime today?" Ren asks, physically pushing through the throng of people.

Goro clenches his fists. "This doesn’t concern you, Amamiya!" Goro shouts through clenched teeth.

Ren doesn’t know what he did to deserve Goro as a roommate, but he’d like to think he’s paid for it ten times over.

"Uh, it very much concerns me because I need to make sure I still have a roommate that can pay rent!"

Goro glares at Ren over his shoulder, wearing that familiar constipated look. "That sounds like a personal problem."

Ren promised Goro’s mom that he’d keep her son out of trouble. He does _not_ want to call her at ass o’clock in the evening to tell her Goro landed himself in prison. She’ll start crying and then _Ren_ will start crying and it’ll be a whole mess.

"I’m not bailing you out for this!" Ren shouts.

The firetruck looms ahead. The firefighters are milling around the truck, preparing to leave, off to save other people from unhinged detectives wielding flamethrowers. One firefighter chats with the superintendent while the others pack up.

Goro cups his hands around his mouth and uses the full force of his iron lungs to scream "Kitagawa Yusuke! I have something to say to you!"

Ren stops in his tracks. He’s only a few feet back from Goro, but he does his best to look like he’s never seen the man before in his life. Hands in pockets, shifting back and forth on his heel, trying to look as small and unobtrusive as possible. When shit breaks bad, Ren does _not_ want to be associated with him.

For their part, the firefighters look unimpressed with Goro’s display of dominance. Ren imagines they’re used to hearing loud noises. They look briefly in Goro’s direction (Ren tries his best to melt into the pavement) and go back to their work. There’s some chatter, but for the most part Goro goes ignored.

Goro’s face slowly turns red, and Ren marvels at these strangers’ ability to push Goro’s buttons. It had taken Ren months to learn the fine art of pissing Goro off. Just when Goro is about to burst, someone tall and lanky hops out of the truck and walks in their direction.

He’s taller than he appeared on the video. He’s removed his jacket, revealing a form-fitting white v-neck beneath. Now, Goro can see the angular cut of his shoulders, the slight dip of his waist, and the dark shadow of a perfectly formed collarbone. Every step is purposeful and elegant as he comes to a stop in front of them. Goro has to tilt his head up to meet his steely gray eyes.

When he crosses his arms, Goro can see his veins. "Yes?"

Strange that this man is a firefighter when he’s started a blaze in Goro’s mouth. "You have nice arms," he blurts out.

_"What the fuck,"_ Ren hisses from three feet away.

The man, Yusuke, tilts his head. "Thank you."

Where before Goro flushed with rage, it’s replaced quickly with embarrassment. His tongue feels like lead in his mouth, as he suddenly forgets everything he wanted to say. For the first time in his life, Goro finds himself speechless.

He supplants his words with evidence.

Goro thrusts his phone into Yusuke’s face. "You’ve been eating my food."

Yusuke watches the video play out with mild interest. On screen, Yusuke stops at the stove, grabs the steak, and takes a giant, ashy bite. Suddenly, Yusuke’s eyes widen in recognition, and he lifts his gaze to Goro’s face.

_"You!"_ he gasps, stepping forward to grasp both of Goro’s hands in his.

At Yusuke’s touch, every nerve in Goro’s hands sets itself on fire. In shock, Goro drops his phone. He hears it crack against the pavement, but he can’t be bothered. He’s too enamored with the stars in Yusuke’s eyes.

"You’re the one who’s been leaving me such wonderful meals!"

Given that Goro’s brain has been replaced with cotton, it takes some time for the words to register. He looks over his shoulder at Ren who seems just as stupefied as he is.

_Is this guy serious?_ Goro asks with his eyes.

Ren shrugs as if to say, _I have no fucking idea._

Goro slowly turns back to Yusuke, whose million watt smile hasn’t dimmed. Yusuke’s long fingers still curl around Goro’s palm. His hold is gentle, skin cool against the fire in Goro’s veins.

"You… think I’ve been leaving food for you?" Goro asks slowly.

Yusuke nods earnestly. "Most people’s offerings are mediocre, lacking any creativity or nuance, but _yours!"_ For a moment, it looks like Yusuke might cry. "Yours never fail to delight me!"

Goro stares at Yusuke, lips parted in shock. Yusuke’s adoration is so genuine, so heartfelt. If he’s lying, it’s the best lie Goro’s ever heard. Goro doesn’t even know where to _begin_ unpacking this.

Thankfully, Ren is there to step in.

"Wait, you actually _like_ the crap he eats?" Ren exclaims.

Yusuke nods vigorously. "Every bite provides such a rich combination of flavor and texture, a perfect juxtaposition of culinary arts! And such eclectic tastes! No two meals are alike, every day is a new food journey!"

Ren stares in slack-jawed awe. "Even that charred steak?"

"The ashen aftertaste perfectly complements the hearty crunch."

Goro thinks that’s the moment he falls in love.

"You… like my food?" Goro asks, his chest strangely tight.

"Every time I’m called here I look forward to seeing what you’ve left."

Goro stares at Yusuke, all the anger in his heart suddenly gone. "How about… instead of eating my food… I could take you somewhere?"

Yusuke perks up at the suggestion. "Anywhere you suggest must be delightful."

Goro’s cheeks flush. "There’s this cafe in Kichijoji…"

Ren scowls. "You’ve gotta be shitting me."

hegel kinnies unite  
  
Ann  
And then they both ran over to the fire truck & we lost track of them!!  
Makoto  
Actually we decided as a group that we didn’t want to be involved and chose to go back to our apartments.  
Ann  
Well yeah but what i said was nicer  
Sumire  
this is a lot to take in  
Ryuji  
it ws effn wld yo  
Ren  
I cant fucking believe this  
Ann  
Omg ren!!  
Haru  
Ren-kun, is everything okay?  
Futaba  
hey no cursing in my good christian chatroom  
Makoto  
I didn’t hear any commotion outside so I assume everything is resolved?  
Ryuji  
d we nedd 2 bale u out??  
Ann  
What happened with the food thief???  
Ren  
akechi asked him on a date  
Ryuji  
??????  
Futaba  
WHAT  
Ann  
what?  
Haru  
Why would Akechi-kun do that?  
Ren  
because they’re both a couple of fuckin weirdos  
Now tht I’ve seen the full pictue, I elize tht the sitution is moe comple thn it fist ppeed.  
Futaba  
what the fuck  
Ann  
Goro are you ok  
Ren  
no he has a terminal case of gay  
I dopped my phone nd it seems some of my lettes no longe function coectly  
Ryuji  
ths is wird  
Makoto  
I am extremely uncomfortable with this.  
Ren  
for the record he dropped his phone because hes gay  
Ryuji  
so hw com akchi ws reddy 2 kll us 4 steeln his fud bt hel d8 ths guy  
Makoto  
I am intrigued to know what convinced Akechi-kun to calm down.  
Haru  
Yes! Tell us about him!  
Ann  
Tell us!!!!  
He hs nice veins.  
Ann  
…  
Futaba  
can you try that again and sound less like a serial killer  
Ren  
he likes akechis taste in food  
Ann  
WHAT  
Ryuji  
ew  
Ren  
he fucking said he liked akechis crunchy steak  
Haru  
Oh my…  
Futaba  
oh my god there’s two of them  
Ann  
I guess its true… theres a match for everyone…  
You philistines just cn’t ppecite tue t.  
t  
T  
Futaba  
guys i think akechi is having a stroke  
@ЯT  
Ann  
Yayyyy!! you did it!!!  
Sumire  
Congratulations Akechi-senpai!!!  
Sumire  
Im so happy you found someone with similar interests!  
hnk you.  
We’e getting chey blossom nd onge mochi net week.  
Futaba  
…  
Ann  
Never change goro

The following Friday, Goro sits across from Yusuke outside a small cafe. A small sampler tray of mochi sits on the table in front of them, painted in vibrant shades of pastel. Yusuke spends a good fifteen minutes fiddling with his phone camera for a good photo and lamenting the quality of the lens. That’s alright with Goro, he’s content to simply watch.

“Are you uploading that to Instagram?” Goro asks, pulling out his phone. “Tag me, I’ll add you.”

Yusuke tilts his head curiously as he pockets his phone. “Instagram?”

“Are you more of a Twitter person?”

Yusuke blinks at him owlishly for a moment, before realization seems to dawn. “Oh, I don’t use social media.”

Now Goro is the one left in stunned silence. “How… old are you?”

“Twenty in January.” They’re roughly the same age, yet Goro has never met someone in his generation that doesn’t have an Instagram. “Why do you ask?”

Goro blinks at him for a moment before shaking off his shock. “Simply curious,” he says with a pleasant smile. He gestures at the plate in front of them. “Now, which one do you want to try first?”

Four plump balls of mochi sit on the plate, dusted carefully with corn starch. One is sunset orange, another mint green, then a vibrant pink, and the last royal blue, a reflection of the sky above. Yusuke’s eyes sparkle as he looks them over, admiring the splash of color. Goro finds it strangely fascinating to watch him work.

“What flavors are they?” Yusuke asks.

The corner of Goro’s mouth quirks into a wry grin. “That’s a surprise.”

“Fascinating,” Yusuke hums.

He observes the mochi for another moment, before carefully picking up the blue one. Goro watches with rapt fascination as Yusuke lifts the mochi to his mouth. Bone-white teeth flash behind flushed lips as Yusuke bites down. He chews for a moment, brows furrowed in concentration.

“Blueberry…” Yusuke hums, letting the dough settle on his tongue.

“And…?” Goro prompts as Yusuke swallows.

Goro can see the exact moment the aftertaste kicks in, as Yusuke’s eyebrows shoot into his hairline. “Oh my!” he exclaims. “What a fascinating contrast of flavors! The juxtaposition of tart sweetness with that tangy bitterness is a perfect metaphor for the inevitable sorrow that follows joy!”

Goro isn’t sure the sweets shop considered the human condition when they designed their mochi, but at least Yusuke is having fun.

“What _is_ that flavor?” Yusuke asks, eyes glowing like a full moon.

“It’s vinegar,” Goro finally says. “Blueberry vinegar.”

_“Fascinating,”_ Yusuke gasps, “you _have_ to try it. I need to know what you think.”

Before Goro can hold out his hand to take the mochi, Yusuke is already pressing it to his lips. Once again stunned, Goro can’t think to do anything but open his mouth. Goro eats the remaining half in one bite, Yusuke’s fingertips just barely grazing his skin. Goro barely has any brain power left to register the taste when all his focus turns to the blush flooding his cheeks.

The familiar sour notes of blueberry filling spreads over his tongue. It tingles, almost strong enough to make him pucker his cheeks. But he swallows under Yusuke’s earnest gaze, and just as he saw with Yusuke, the vinegar aftertaste zips through him like an electric shock.

“What are your thoughts?” Yusuke asks, sitting on the edge of his seat.

Goro watches him, considering this strange man and his equally strange taste in food. “It’s… different. Unexpected. But I think I could grow to love it.”

They’ll be strange together.

**Author's Note:**

> [AO3 Skin Credit](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19150123/chapters/45514369)
> 
> you can come talk to me on [tumblr](https://aceklaviergavin.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/aceklaviergavin)


End file.
